Redwall on Broadway
by Much Ado About Nonny
Summary: Nonny's first tv show! Also known as the author's last ditch effort to avoid the demon writer's block. Title is fairly self-explanatory, better summary in the introduction.
1. Introduction

"Hey, Nonny! NONNY!"

A fieldmouse in her late teen seasons poked her head out of the door of her dressing room. Decidedly miffed that somebeast had disturbed her daily dose of fifteen minutes of peace, she pushed her oval-shaped eyeglasses nearer to her eyes, and bellowed in the culprit's direction.

"What, Pinto? I'm in the process of getting dressed here!"

A round, fat creature that appeared to be an oversized mouse with no tail came up to the door, puffing a bit out of fatigue and frustration. "You're on in five," she said.

"WHAT! But the show doesn't start until…" the mousemaid checked her watch, "fifteen minutes from now! I'm still trying to get my contacts in!"

"Yeah, well, tell _that_ to Newo. He said that if you weren't out there in five minutes, he'd start the show for you, and you _really_ do not want _that_ to happen. Especially in the outfit he's picked out…"

Nonny's eyes widened in a way that seemed painful, and, within five seconds, she was out the door, making a mad dash for the stage.

"Open the curtain, Pinto! NOW!!!"

***

The studio was capable of holding an audience of a good five hundred beasts, and, even though the show was starting fifteen minutes early, there was not an empty seat in the house. All of Redwall's finest had shown up, on a red carpet gala that, needless to say, involved the typical opening-night customs, like fantastic dresses, flashing cameras, and the rest of that hoopla. The audience was a bit surprised to find that the show was starting early, but nonetheless, when the lights turned down and the purple curtain opened, the studio rang with thunderous applause.

"Ladies and gentlemice," boomed the stereotypical announcer's voice, "welcome to _Redwall on Broadway!_ And here's your host…Nonny!"

The applause gradually got louder as Nonny stepped out, walking to her place at center stage. She was dressed in a long gown that resembled Galadriel's gown from The Fellowship of the Ring, only, instead of white, this gown was a vivid pastel pink that, coincidentally, was Nonny's favorite color. In her right paw, she bore a staff which looked like Gandalf the White's staff from The Two Towers, only, as before, it was pink instead of white, and had a little ruby set in the space at the top. Nonny did not care if she was going a bit over the top with her outfit; it was opening night, she wanted to look pretty, she looked pretty in pink, and that settled it. She was supposed to have her contacts in as well, so she didn't need to wear her clumsy glasses, but nothing could be perfect.

The mousemaid bowed to the audience, her most charming smile plastered on her face. When the applause died down, she straightened herself and began to speak.

"My dear friends, welcome to my first Redwall reality show!" There was more applause, which earned the audience another one of Nonny's bright, I-made-it-through-braces-alive smiles as she continued her speech.

"Yes, yes, I know I'm awesome." This produced some scattered laughter. "I guess you're all wondering what _Redwall on Broadway_ is actually supposed to accomplish."

"Yes!" roared Dandin, who had mysteriously received a front-row seat, compliments of the house. A deep red blush suffused Nonny's cheeks and neck at this, and she had to stop and collect herself a little bit before she continued.

"Well," Nonny continued, with another charming smile, "this show is for all of you music buffs out there, who love Broadway shows and Redwall, and would like to see them combined."

"But Redwall already has an opera!" shouted Mariel, who was _not_ amused at Nonny's apparent crush on Dandin, even though she had also received an on-the-house ticket right next to her warrior partner.

The pink-clad mousemaid nodded uncomfortably. "Um…I know that, but this is different. I will not be writing a musical for Redwall, I will be casting Redwall characters in musical numbers that already exist in my world. Every two chapters will feature a different song; the first chapter will feature my reasoning on why I chose the songs I did and why I cast each character in their role, and the second chapter will feature the performance of the song itself."

"Oooooooooh," the audience said, showing that they got what she was talking about. Nonny nodded, and smiled again.

"Now, before we get into the _real_ stuff…oof!"

Here she was abruptly interrupted as a tan, brown, and green blur tore out onto the stage and stepped in front of her, pushing her off her footpaws as it did so. The blur stopped moving long enough to let the audience recognize it as a light-colored adolescent male weasel, with black headfur that came just below his ears in a tacky-looking bowl cut. He was dressed in a large fruit-covered hat, a grass hula skirt that came down to his ankles, and, as the piece de resistance, a coconut bra on his skinny chest. The odd creature gave the audience a goofy smile, before he threw his head back and began to sing in a loud, off-key voice that made everybeast cringe and cover their ears.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *gasp* AAAAAAAAAAAAA...cucaracha, la cucaracha! Enchilada blah blah blah!" As he sang, the crazy little mustelid began to wiggle his hips in a way that would not look good on _any_ male, much less the Butt-less Wonder Weasel. "La cucaracha, la cucaracha! La di da di da di…"

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!" cried Pinto, rushing out onto the stage and tackling the miscreant to the ground. All the audience clapped, simply out of relief that their eardrums were not being assaulted any more.

Nonny picked herself up, brushed the wrinkles out of her dress, and cleaned her glasses before going on with the show. The smile reappeared on her face, but now, it looked fairly strained.

"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," here she glared at the weasel, who was muttering nonsense into the stage floor as Pinto continued to sit on him, "before we get into the _real_ stuff, I must make a few introductions. First of all, the lovely young maid who just rescued your hearing is Pinto, my pet guinea pig, whom I have brought into this realm of fanfiction to act as my stage manager and/or personal body guard."

Pinto bowed her head, and was greeted with wild applause and several appreciative wolf-whistles.

"Secondly," Nonny continued, "there is my announcer and lights manager, Andrew. Say hi, Andrew!"

The stereotypical announcer's voice boomed out over the studio once more. "Hi Andrew!" The audience laughed, and looked back at the light's booth above the balcony, where they could dimly make out the shape of an otter waving at them cheekily. Nonny fondly rolled her eyes, and continued.

"Finally, there is an introduction that I had hoped not to make, but, given the circumstances, I now have to." Here she glared again at the weasel, who was still pinned to the stage floor and not going anywhere anytime soon.

"_This_, is Newo, pronounced like Nemo with a w, your new worst nightmare and my new reason for loving aspirin. He is the side effect of my awful first experience with interdimensional travel, the details of which are too gruesome to be described to an audience including some Dibbuns."

Gonff the Mousethief stood up, and stared shamelessly at the weird little weasel. "What _is_ he?"

The mousemaid sighed, and placed a forepaw on her face. "Oy, where to start? I think…I don't know, but I _think_…that he is a new classification of Stu, which I have dubbed Random!Stu."

The audience, upon hearing this, immediately fished for the swords, hammers, gullwhackers, pitchforks, and lighted torches they had brought, "just in case." They were about to start the usual angry mob, but Nonny rapped the bottom of her wizard-staff on the floor, which sent a shock wave through the studio. Stunned, the audience halted any and all activity, placing their attention on the mousemaid in pink.

"Save your energy! He can't die! Believe me, I've tried, but I can't kill him. I wish I could, because I accidentally created him…accidentally, people! I didn't mean to!" The angry mob was about to start up again, this time craving Nonny's blood, but she sent another shock wave through the studio and they immediately halted.

"It was a freak accident, I assure you," she said, much more calmly than before. "Like I said before, I will _not_ describe the experience, but Newo is the result of that experience. He is my ultimate random moment, a character that is the combination of Jar Jar Binks, a weird surfer dude character called Owen from an educational game I'm obsessed with, the Phantom of the Opera, Gerard Butler, Michael Crawford, Sir Percival Blakeney, Anthony Andrews, Douglas Sills, Jack Sparrow, Jack the Monkey, Cosmo from The Fairly Oddparents, and, no doubt, a bunch of other characters that I have yet to discover. He possesses all the characteristics of these characters and/or real people, except their sexiness if they are sexy. He gets the immortality from Jack the Monkey."

The audience stared in pure, unadulterated horror at the weird little weasel, who was still making muffled noises into the stage floor. "Have y'tried poisoning him?" asked Veil the Outcast, whose red-stained claws twitched from a desire to follow his advice.

"Only with every known toxin known to man, beast, or Sue, and then some, with no success." A disappointed sigh reverberated through the audience.

Nonny sighed as well, and turned to Pinto. "Take him off stage, and lock him in the closet." The brown-and-white guinea pig nodded, and frog-marched Newo backstage.

The mousemaid in pink turned back to the audience, and smiled her charming smile again. "However, he is completely harmless. We don't even need to spray him with Rector's trademark Anti-Sparklypoo, because, so far, he has proven to be unattractive to even the most flirtatious of female weasels, and does not show any athletic or warlike tendencies whatsoever. So, no need to be alarmed, he's just annoying and a bit of an attention grabber."

The audience sat down in relief, but they were still a bit on edge. After all, with a Random!Stu on the loose, who wouldn't be?

Nonny sighed, and rubbed her temples, suddenly feeling the onset of a headache. "Now," she said, "on to the boring stuff. I do not own Redwall, any of the characters from Redwall, or, in fact, the idea of having a Redwall reality show, which I hear is the idea of Kelaiah the ferret. I do not own any of the musicals that will be portrayed in this show; I may own the soundtracks, but not the musicals. The idea of having my real-life pet on stage with me is the astounding idea of Adderstar of Valorclan. I do own Pinto, and, unfortunately, Newo, but I do not own any of the characters and/or real people Newo is based off of. More disclaimers will be stated as the show continues.

"Now, on to the _fun_ stuff." The audience cheered, especially the members of Dab, who had almost fallen asleep during the disclaimers. Nonny grinned.

" This is where you can get involved! I have some ideas for songs already planned, but, sadly, not many. If you want to see a particular Broadway number, all you have to do is put a letter into the little periwinkle-colored box near the stage, saying the song you want performed, what musical it is from, and which Redwall characters you want to be in the starring roles. It doesn't matter if the Redwall characters can actually sing, just try to get a song that matches their story line somewhat. Try to keep the songs PG; no Sweeney Todd or Full Monty, people, there are Dibbuns in the audience.

"Our first song will be: 'Loathing,' from _Wicked_. Enjoy!"

And, with that, the mousemaid walked off the stage.

* * *

**Virtual cookies to anyone who can guess the Shakespeare reference I made in this chapter!**

**For those who don't know, Michael Crawford and Gerard Butler both played the Phantom of the Opera, one in Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical and the other in the movie based on that musical. Anthony Andrews played Sir Percy Blakeney (aka The Scarlet Pimpernel) in the 1982 movie, _The Scarlet Pimpernel_; Douglas Sills played Sir Percy in the Broadway musical, which was based on the same book as the movie. All four men are fairly hot; Butler and Andrews because they look good, Crawford because he has a beautiful voice, and Sills because he has both good looks and a good voice. Unfortunately, none of these traits are part of Newo's persona.**


	2. Loathing Rehearsal

As Nonny walked off the stage, the purple curtain closed, so that the stage crew could prep the scene while the musicals' back-story played. A large white screen unfurled before the curtain, and Andrew inserted the DVD of the morning's rehearsal section into the slot that would make it play through the stage's really high-tech projector system.

The otter grinned. Nonny had been surprised at seeing all the fancy equipment, but when she asked, Andrew had said nothing, figuring that what the boss didn't know couldn't hurt her. The story was incredibly long, involving ski masks, silly putty, cheese whiz, and the over-eager cooperation of a certain weasel who was currently languishing in the studio's broom closet. Needless to say, the public would never be ready for the recently recorded security videos of one particular Circuit City outlet.

Once the screen was fully unfurled, the following video immediately began playing.

* * *

"Are we rolling?" A teenaged fieldmouse-maid, clad rather anachronistically in jeans and a pink t-shirt, peered cautiously at the shiny new camcorder, which, of course, the audience couldn't see. The picture bobbed, as Andrew nodded, taking the fancy new machinery with him.

"Hey, don't do that, some beasts can get motion sickness."

_-The audience found this statement to be eerily appropriate, as, at that very moment, Viola Bankvole retched all over Princess Kurda's new evening gown. The video paused for a few moments, as the security moles promptly removed the raging princess and the dangerously green Infirmary Sister from the audience. _

_Yes, the security team was made up of moles. What can I say? The badgers, hares, and various vermin species have already been used, and the job has good dental. Don't ask…it's the first thing Foremole asked about when offered the job._

_When the film finally began rolling again… –_

Nonny pushed her glasses further up on her nose, and smiled nicely for the camera. "Well folks, today you shall see the rehearsal of "Loathing," from the hit musical _Wicked_, directed by myself, made fun of by Pinto," here said guinea pig waved mockingly from the background, "and filmed by Andrew." Here said otter waved a cheeky paw in front of the lens, resulting in a gentle smack from the above-mentioned mousemaid.

"Now, for those of our audience who aren't familiar with this musical, I shall provide a bit of background. _Wicked_ is basically a re-imagining of _The Wizard of Oz_, in which the Wicked Witch of the West is shown to be less…well, wicked…than we imagined her. The Redwallers in the audience will not get what I'm talking about, but our human viewers will understand completely.

"Now, 'Loathing' is a song sung by two women, one cast as Elphaba, the green-skinned girl who eventually becomes the Wicked Witch of the West, and one cast as Galinda, the pretty girl who eventually becomes Glinda the Good. They go to the same school, become roommates by mistake, and end up hating each other's guts to no end.

"After 'Loathing," Galinda and Elphaba actually become friends…but to tell any more would reveal too much of the story. So…oh wow, they're here already! That was fast."

At that, the camera moved, to capture Treerose and Mariel Gullwhacker walking through the door of the studio, quickly followed by Dandin and Oak Tom. All four beasts smiled politely as Nonny walked over and shook their paws.

Oak Tom was the first to speak. "So, you're doing a new television show? That's…what's the word you human creatures use…groovy!"

A loud snort came from Pinto's general direction.

Nonny shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Ignore her; she's really particular about keeping up to date with modern expressions."

Dandin laughed. "And you thought _I_ was a grammar freak!"

Everybeast laughed at that, and another blush slowly defused over Nonny's cheeks, as her eyes lingered a bit too long on Dandin's friendly smile. Unconsciously, Mariel moved in front of her partner, grinning somewhat dangerously as she tried to change the subject from Dandin's joke.

"So, what do you want us to do? I must say, the possibility of being painted green really caught my attention."

"And mine," said Treerose, who had a running bet with Oak Tom about whether or not Mariel would smack Nonny in a fit of jealous rage. Naturally, Mariel, Dandin, and Nonny did not know that the bet existed.

The fieldmouse-maid got herself back under control, beaming with a charming smile. "Well, first, we're going to go over the song, so you know how to sing it, and then we're going to choreograph the dance. Tom, Dandin, you can watch if you like."

* * *

The film cut to a few scenes of singing, as Treerose and Mariel giggled while Nonny played their notes on a keyboard (also jacked from Circuit City by the Rough 'n' Ready Mustelid Gang). There were also a few pictures of the choreographing, which Pinto took care of. Then, there was a personal interview between the cast members and Andrew, who, as usual, was always behind the camera, never in front.

"I must say," said Treerose, "the parts don't exactly fit our story, but they do fit rather well."

"Aside from the green," growled Gullwhacker the Grumpy, who had not had her usual cup of coffee that morning.

_-Backstage, Pinto pressed the "Call Andrew" button on her walkie-talkie, and spoke into it, her squeaky voice deadly with repressed murderous tendencies. "Andy, darling, you've done quite well with the video, but in the future, can you please refrain from the smart-aleck voice-overs? Mariel's angry enough over Nonny's crush on her boyfriend as it is."_

"_He is NOT my boyfriend!"_

"_I do NOT have a crush on Dandin!"_

"_Denial, denial…"-_

"Oh, be nice, Mariel. I have to wear a blond wig, after all."

"It doesn't make up for the green." Mariel was joking by now, not truly angry, only playfully sarcastic. When Treerose rolled her eyes fondly, the mousemaid grinned, and continued her commentary. "I actually do empathize with Elphaba's situation a bit. I mean, I came into Redwall as a total stranger, and I was a lot different from most of the other mousemaids. Granted, Redwall welcomed me with open arms, and nobeast really teased me about anything, but still, I understand the loneliness a bit."

Dandin, who was watching this exchange from the sidelines, suddenly got a sad, puppy-dog look on his face that indicated his extreme displeasure at the very thought of Mariel being lonely. Mariel and Treerose had their backs to him, so they were oblivious to his feelings, but Oak Tom got a funny, knowing little smile on his face. Nonny, for some mysterious reason, was nowhere in sight.

Treerose smiled. "And, after I reviewed the character of Glinda a little bit, I can see a bit of a connection between our personalities. I'll admit, when I met Mariel, I was a bit of a spoiled brat. Neither of us liked the other very much, so, yeah, this song kind of reflects our feelings for each other at that point in our lives."

Mariel shrugged. "And, anyway, we're friends now, so we can laugh at each other."

The pretty squirrelwife giggled. "Especially when Mariel gets all jealous over her _booooyfriend_."

"I am not jealous! It's just that Nonny's completely pathetic!"

"Is not! She didn't flirt with him once!"

"She's still pathetic!"

"I completely agree with you there, sweetheart." A familiar, annoying voice rang out in the background, causing both maids to turn around in surprise. Andrew, evidently, did the same thing, because the picture shifted to focus on…

…a skinny male weasel with a black bowl cut, dressed in a slightly immodest nurse's outfit which revealed his all-too-male chest and legs. Newo was in full Maxwell Klinger mode this morning.

"Nonny is _completely_ pathetic," continued the crazy little weasel, striking a pose that he mistakenly took for sexy, but really looked like he was trying to speed up his next bowel movement. "I mean, her bras are so _tacky!_ Good gracious, you'd think the girl had never heard of a Victoria's Secret."

"NEWO!! KEEP YOUR FILTHY LITTLE CLAWS OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!" The above-mentioned mousemaid dashed through the back door to the studio, tackled the transvestite mustelid, and pointed the jeweled end of her wizard staff at his face. "GET OUT OF MY STUDIO, DRYROT, OR I'LL SET THIS ON NUCLEAR!!!"

Needless to say, that problem was soon solved. Once the dust settled, Nonny looked back at the camera…and glared. "Andrew, so help me, you put that in the presentation, and I will…"

* * *

And, with that, the video was cut short, and the movie screen began to roll back up into the ceiling. A few moments passed, in which, if one listened hard enough, a soft thump…thump…thump could be heard from backstage, as a certain mousemaid hit her head against the nearest wall.

Andrew grinned. _And _that's_ for giving the moles better dental than I get!_

Finally, after a few tense moments, the pink-clad mousemaid re-emerged onstage, her smile looking more and more fake by the moment.

"And now, I present to you… 'Loathing' from _Wicked_, starring Treerose and Mariel Gullwhacker!"

The audience applauded wildly, and Nonny, once again, walked offstage, pausing briefly as she did so to throw a murderous glance toward the light booth. A certain technically-inclined otter was well overdue for his comeuppance…

* * *

**Maxwell Klinger is a character from M*A*S*H, one of my favorite tv shows. Circuit City...well, you can tell that I don't own it.**

**Oh, and for those of you who haven't guessed the Shakespeare reference in the first chapter...reading my profiled might give you a clue. Once you find it, you'll think "Oh, that's...lame," and I'll agree with you completely. Writer's block is an ugly thing.**


	3. Loathing Performance

**Just a quick note: When Treerose sings, the words are in bold _italics._ When Mariel sings, the words are bold underlined. When the chorus sings, the words are in **_light italics._** And, when both Treerose and Mariel sing, the words are _all three._ There is one exception: on the AaaaaaAAAAAH, everybeast is singing.**

* * *

The purple curtains rose, and the applause died out a bit when two spotlights flickered to life on both sides of the stage. In each spotlight was one maid: Mariel in the spotlight on stage left (which was to the audience's right) and Treerose in the one on stage right (vice versa).

The maidens truly looked the parts of Galinda and Elphaba, fur and whiskers aside. Treerose had a curly blond wig attached to the fur between her ears, and the fake hair fell to her shoulders; a small, fashionable white hat perched perilously on the top of her head. Her outfit consisted of a pure white skirt suit and matching high heels, and her sharp little claws had been varnished white. Mariel's fur had been dyed completely green with temporary St. Patrick's Day dye, and her claws were painted a matching green, so that they did not stand out like Treerose's claws did. She, too, wore a wig, a black one which fell below her hips and was styled in a single braid. Her skirt suit (which was similar in style to Treerose's, to imitate a school uniform) was completely navy blue, and she wore a simple knit cap on top of her braid.

Both squirrelmaid and mousemaid stood still for a few moments, and then, as the music began to play, both took out pencils and tablets of paper, and pretended to write.

"Dearest Darlingest Momsie and Popsicle," Treerose started, speaking in a bubbly tone.

"My dear father," said Mariel; her tone was flat and boring.

_**There's been some confusion over rooming here at Shiz,**_ they both sang.

Mariel looked a bit downtrodden as she sang her next line. **But of course I'll care for Nessa…**

_**But of course I'll rise above it…**_ Treerose trilled, with a little flourish of her pencil.

_**For I know that's how you'd want me to respond.  
Yes…**_

The two maids glanced at each other, sighed, and turned back to their writing.

_**There's been some confusion,  
For you see, my roommate is…**_

Treerose glanced again at Mariel, and gulped. Her voice took on a pleading tone when she turned back to her "letter," elongating every vowel until it sounded like she was whining. _**…Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe.**_

Mariel took one look at Treerose, sniffed, and rolled her eyes. "Blonde," she stated, as if that explained everything.

Then, the music changed. The orchestra played four sharp-sounding chords, some with low notes, and some with high notes. On the first low chord, Mariel dropped her tablet of paper and her pencil; on the proceeding high chord, Treerose did the same. The same process occurred on the next set of chords; Mariel turned sharply to face Treerose, a guarded expression on her face, and Treerose copied her, only her expression showed a bit more disgust.

_**What is this feeling, so sudden, and new?**_

**I felt the moment, I laid eyes on you**_**.**_

_**My pulse is rushing. **_Here, Treerose laid a paw on her chest.

**My head is reeling**_**.**_ Mariel massaged her temples as if she had a headache.

_**My face is flushing!**_ The squirrelmaid got a panicked look on her face as she felt her cheeks.

_**What is this feeling?  
Fervent as a flame.  
Does it have a name?**_

Here, both maids turned away from each other, and struck poses to indicate that they were thinking, Mariel with her paw to her chin, Treerose with her arms crossed. Then, looks of realization crossed their faces, and they turned back to each other.

_**Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees...**_ As they held this note, the mousemaid and the squirrelmaid crossed the stage, until they were right in each other's faces, glaring at each other. Treerose's eyebrows twitched a bit as she hit the soprano note in their harmony.

_**Loathing!**_

Then, they turned their heads to face the audience, moving not a muscle in the rest of their bodies.

_**Unadulterated loathing!**_

_**For your face…**_ Treerose looked directly in Mariel's eyes, and pulled a snide, disgusted face at her.

Mariel raised one eyebrow, unimpressed. **Your voice…** she sang, mimicking the comically squeaky voice Treerose was singing with and exaggerating it nicely.

Treerose rolled her eyes, and gestured to Mariel's less-than-fashionable get-up with her right paw, adding a coquettish swing of the hips to emphasize her point. _**Your clothing!**_

_**Let's just say,  
I loathe it all!**_

The maids broke away from their stare-down, as if they couldn't bear to look at each other anymore.

_**Every little trait, however small,  
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl,**_ (Here they both shuddered and ran their paws up their arms.)_**  
With simple, utter loathing!**_

Mariel and Treerose began to circle each other, each sizing the other maid up, as if they were about to jump on each other and start punching. In the process, Mariel developed a scary little half-smile on her face, which Dandin, in the audience, recognized as the smile she always got right before a fight. Understandably, Treerose looked a bit worried.

_**There's a strange exhilaration,  
In such total detestation!  
It's so pure, so strong!**_

The maids halted their circle, and stared at each other again, this time further apart than they were before; Mariel was now on stage right, and Treerose was on stage left. They addressed each other as if delivering an ultimatum; i.e., their eyes were saying "stay away from me, or I _will_ hurt you."

_**Though I do admit, it came on fast,  
Still I do believe that it can last.  
And I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long.**_

As this line finished, Mariel and Treerose took a few steps further away from each other, and then turned away. The chorus, which was made up of the Rambling Rosehip Players and the Wandering Noonvale Companions Group, came bounding out on stage. Everybeast in the chorus was dressed in the same uniform Mariel and Treerose had on, except these costumes were both white and navy blue. No two beasts had the same combination of colors.

The chorus fluttered around Treerose, fawning over her like an idol. The hares, Ballaw and Florian, even went to the point of getting down on one knee, gripping her paws like that of a princess.

_Dear Galinda, you are just too good.  
How do you stand it? I don't think I could._

The chorus members, at this point, were taking turns glaring at Mariel, who was fiddling mysteriously with the end of her long black braid in a fashion Dandin knew meant trouble.

_She's a terror, she's a tartar,  
We don't mean to show a bias,  
But Galinda, you're a martyr. _(At this point, everybeast was back to gazing adoringly at Treerose.)

The squirrelmaid silenced them with a wave of her right paw, which she had freed from Ballaw. _**Well, these things are sent to try us!**_

The chorus got up, and began to dance around Treerose, twitching their heads a bit in time to the music.

_Poor Galinda, forced to reside,  
With someone so disgust-ti-ci-fied._ (Here, the mousemaids Gauchee and Kastern fluttered over to Mariel and made faces at her, only to be sent running back to Treerose by the scarier face she made.)_  
We just want to tell you, we're all on your side!_

The chorus congregated behind Treerose, forming the shape of a pyramid with the white-clad squirrelmaid as its point. Treerose and Mariel glared at each other again, and then began to walk. They crossed the stage, until Mariel was once again on stage left, and Treerose was on stage right. The chorus followed Treerose like so many puppies, always in perfect pyramid formation.

_We share your loathing! __**(What is this feeling, so sudden and new?)  
**__Unadulterated loathing! __**(I felt the moment, I laid eyes on you!)  
**__For her face, her voice, her clothing! _**(My pulse is rushing!) **(Same gesture, only this time it was Mariel.)_**  
**__Let's just say, __**(My head is reeling!)**_ (Same gesture, only this time it was Treerose.)_**  
**__We loathe it all! __**(Oh, what is this feeling?)**_

Mariel shook her head, and turned her back to the audience, holding her braid in the crook of her elbow. She walked toward the back of the stage, disappearing behind the chorus; everybeast smiled, as if they were thinking they had scared her away.

_Every little trait, however small, __**(Does it have a name?)**_ (It should be noted that Mariel was still singing.)_**  
**__Makes our very flesh begin to crawl… __**(Yes…)**_

_**AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAH...**_

Suddenly, the ranks of the chorus parted, to reveal Mariel, with a grin on her face. In her right paw, the mousemaid twirled her long braid…which she had transformed into a makeshift Gullwhacker. No wonder the chorus gave her a wide berth. Uproarious laughter echoed throughout the auditorium as Treerose turned, and saw that her "minions" had deserted her and Mariel was steadily coming nearer.

As they began to sing again, Treerose and Mariel circled each other once more, as the chorus echoed behind them.

_**Loathing!**__ (Loathing!)_  
_**There's a strange exhilaration,**__ (Loathing!)_  
_**In such total detestation!**__ (Loathing!)_  
_**It's so pure, so strong!**__ (Oh, Ooooh!)_

The two maids were, once again, aggressively singing in each other's faces. The chorus was moving slowly (cautiously, perhaps?) around them.

_**Though I do admit, it came on fast,  
Still I do believe that it can last.**_

Mariel and Treerose slowly separated, backing away a couple steps. Neither maid moved her eyes away from the other. Meanwhile, the chorus repeated the word "loathing" in soft, held-out chords, as background to the stars' final chorus.

_**And I will be loathing,  
For, forever loathing,  
Truly, deeply loathing you…**__ (Loathing you…)__**  
My whole life long!  
**__Loathing!  
Unadulterated loathing!_

The music hit a few loud chords, and the chorus members struck different poses with each chord, but Treerose and Mariel did not move a muscle, locked in their stare-down. Then, there came a brief lull in the music.

Mariel suddenly threw her paws…and her Gullwhacker...up and widened her eyes. "BOO!!" she yelled

"AIEE!!" Treerose screamed, bringing her paws up to her face to protect it…only to hear Mariel laughing at her nervousness. The squirrelmaid pouted, and emphatically crossed her paws at the exact moment the orchestra hit the last chord.

* * *

The applause was deafening. The chorus took their bows from their places, and then scurried backstage. Only then did Treerose and Mariel break out of character.

The two friends giggled, and curtseyed to each other, showing that they really had no hard feelings toward each other. Then, they clasped paws, and bowed to the audience together.

Nonny was about to come out onto the stage, to say farewell to the audience for opening night, but her effort was interrupted by a loud crash coming from the light's booth. It was not a loud enough crash to attract the audience's attention during the applause, but her walkie-talkie picked up everything from Andrew's point of view.

Somebeast had cut a circular hole under Andrew's chair during the performance, and, right in the middle of the applause, the otter fell through the floor.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" was what Nonny heard over the walkie-talkie.

It must be noted that the hole was right above the females' bathroom…where Princess Kurda and Viola Bankvole had gone to clean themselves up after the little "motion sickness" episode from earlier that night.

"AAAAAAAAAH!! FLYING OTTERS!! RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!"

"VHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? SHTUPID OTTER!! I SHLAP YOU!!"

"ACH!! NO, DON'T HURT ME!! AAAH!!"

"VHERE IS DAT SABRE VHEN I NEED IT?"

Nonny winked at Foremole Brull, who, being female and thus allowed in the girl's bathroom, had organized this little incident. The molematron winked back, and gestured to a few female moles to take care of the security situation now taking place in the restroom.

The pink-clad mousemaid made her way back on stage, and stood between Mariel and Treerose for a second.

"Aren't they great? Give them another round of applause!"

The audience did so.

"And, a special thanks to the Rambling Rosehip Players and the Wandering Noonvale Companions Group, who have so graciously accepted the position of chorus in this show on extremely short notice. You guys rock!"

Another round of applause inevitably followed.

Finally, the clapping died down. Nonny smiled.

"Well, that's it for tonight's episode of Redwall on Broadway. Next week's song will be: "Tomorrow," from _Annie._ So long, and good night!"

And, with one last round of applause, the lights came up, and everybeast began to make their way out of the studio.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a certain broom closet…

"YAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I DID IT!! I PROVED TO THE WORLD THAT YOU _CAN_ PICK A LOCK WITH YOUR TONGUE!! TAKE THAT GONFF!! YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

The skinny weasel came out of the closet, an insane grin on his face. "YOU CAN NEVER KEEP A GOOD GUY DOWN!! LA CUCARACHA FOREVER BABY!! YAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Newo ran off down the hallway, and disappeared into the recesses of the studio, his next crazy plan already forming in his diminutive brain.

* * *

**Phew, that's one of the most involved chapters I've ever written. Those who have not heard this song before might want to go to Youtube and look up a Broadway performance of Loathing, to get the feel of how fast the song moves. It seems much slower when you read how I described it; the pace is actually very, very fast. I made some changes to the choreography, the most obvious being Mariel's "Gullwhacker," but everything's pretty much the same as I described it.**

**Another note. For those who aren't very familiar with the musical, "Nessa" is Elphaba's younger sister.**

**Oh, and before I forget. Oreramar has drawn a picture of Newo; I was going to acknowledge her in the last chapter, but it had been a while since I wrote, and I completely forgot about it. Sorry, Oreramar. ****The link to the picture is in my profile...and it's really good. I was snickering as I looked at it, because it really _does_ look like Newo.**

**I think that's about everything. See ya next time!**


	4. Tomorrow Rehearsal

Pinto the brown-and-white guinea pig stage manager waddled through the hallways, stopping when she reached a door that had the name "Nonny" painted on it. Not bothering to knock, she pushed open the door, and walked up behind the mousemaid, who was sitting before her vanity mirror, preparing for the show.

Without warning, Nonny shrieked as only a mousemaid can. "YEEEEEEK!"

Pinto jumped back a bit, startled by her boss's outburst. Nonny turned around in her chair, frustration taking over a bit from fear. "Don't sneak up on me like that! You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The guinea pig stepped back a bit, a remorseful look in her eyes. "Sorry, ma'am. Didn't mean to scare you. I'll knock next time."

The mousemaid ran a paw over her face to calm herself down, then stood up and gently took Pinto's paw in hers. "No, _I'm_ sorry for yelling at you. I get too high-strung at times…especially now, with Newo on the loose. It's not your fault."

Pinto smiled, and Nonny assumed that meant she was forgiven. With a pat to Pinto's arm, she began to search her rather unorganized desk for the index cards which held her notes for her speech. As she worked, she spoke over her shoulder to her friend. "Speaking of Newo, have you found him yet?"

"No," the guinea pig sighed. "We have no idea where he's hiding, though we hear a few disembodied snickers every now and then. He's pulling the Phantom of the Opera act, ma'am."

"I noticed. I got a letter sealed with red wax and a skull insignia, demanding a salary of twenty thousand dollars a month. And I thought _Andrew's_ insurance was expensive."

"It could be worse. Arula told me she caught him trying to dig a tunnel under the studio."

"Successfully?"

"With scrawny claws, no shovel, and a studio crew full of moles? You _have_ read the Redwall books, haven't you ma'am?"

"Right, stupid question. And stop calling me 'ma'am.' 'Nonny' is just fine, thank you very much."

"Yes ma…er, Nonny." Pinto turned to leave, and then, remembering her purpose for coming in the first place, turned back before she forgot. "Oh, and by the way, I have the reviews from the last episode."

"You do? Let me see."

Pinto gave her a few sheets of paper. Nonny sat down and looked through the reviews, smiling at times, and at times studiously taking down notes in the notebook marked "script." The guinea pig glanced at her watch, and tapped the mousemaid on the shoulder.

"Ma…Nonny, we're on in five."

"Oh dear. Hold on a tick." Nonny grabbed her notes, and hurried out of the room, with Pinto hot in pursuit.

"Are you going to answer the reviews on stage, Nonny?" Pinto inquired while they walked.

"No, I'm afraid not," replied Nonny. "I have a tendency to give away surprises in review replies, and the whole point of this show is to keep the audience in a little bit of suspense. And that includes the reviewers."

"But…"

"No buts. I _will_ thank them – I'm not _that_ rude – but individual replies are a no-no for now."

***

As the curtains of _Redwall on Broadway's_ studio stage unfurled once more, the applause was just as enthusiastic as it had been the night before…perhaps even more so, since now a number of audience members were cheering and whistling as well as clapping. Nonny smiled; the show had received some fairly good reviews for its first episode, which had increased ticket sales so that the studio had a full house tonight. As she walked out on stage, she waved to the crowd, grinning cheerfully as the applause continued.

The studio was not nearly as grand as it had been on opening night, but the audience was still treated to something new, since the decorations for Christmas were still hanging. This was not because the mole crew or anybeast else was lazy, but because it would be the Winter Nameday Feast in a few days, so there was still something to celebrate. The Redwallers, at least, appreciated the evergreen garlands, bright red bows, and festive wreaths that hung in tasteful display on the walls.

The cast had also dressed up for the holidays, since, technically, it was still the holiday season. Nonny came out on stage in a beautiful dark-red skirt suit, with transparent scarf-like bits that hung from the sleeves and the bottom of the skirt as decorative extensions of the outfit; the pink wizard staff, however, was still in her paw, and just as imposing as ever. Andrew, who had returned to the show only when Nonny increased his dental insurance _and_ his medical insurance, was dressed up in his winter best, a fine icy-blue coat that his mother had made for him. His kid brother, Tony, who had come to work as a camera operator when he heard about Andrew's really good insurance deal, was dressed similarly, only his coat was dark green. The moles were all in their red-and-green finest, which was saying something; moles have a very good eye for style, which is probably due to their renowned sensibility. Even Pinto was dressed up; it had been a task to find something that she would actually wear, but, to everybeast's surprise, she took to blinking reindeer antlers like a fish to water.

Once she reached the middle of the stage, Nonny held her paws up for silence. As she did so, ominous, disembodied laughter echoed through the studio, which quieted the crowd far more quickly than her paws did.

"Insolent fool," the strange (and slightly goofy-sounding) voice said, "you have not left Opera Box Five open tonight as I instructed."

Despite the crowd, Nonny managed to give a painful-looking roll of her eyes. "It took you _this_ long to notice? Yeesh, the boxes are the seats that are filled first, since they're the most expensive."

"You're missing the point here, dude…I mean, imbecile! If I tell you to leave Box Five open, and you fill it anyway, tragedy befalls the occupants of that box! It's in the contract, dude!"

Suddenly, the spotlight moved to illuminate Box Five, the box with the best view in the house, revealing the two mice who were sitting there. Martin the Warrior casually held up his legendary sword, allowing the blade to glitter dangerously in the light. Rose, who was sitting beside him, looked like she was completely at home, and just a little smug, as she held his unoccupied paw.

Nonny placed her paws on her hips, cocked an amused eyebrow, and grinned cheekily. "You were saying, Newo?"

"Uh…never mind. On with the show! But, be wary…I shall rain down damage, destruction, and total not-good-ness upon you. The Opera Ghost has spoken!"

"Ooo-kay," Nonny continued, her face a contorted mask of anxiety trying to look happy, "anyway…I'd like to thank all the reviewers thus far, including Adderstar of Valorclan, Oreramar, storiewriter, Kelaiah, Taylor 'n' Taylor, and Lilac Blacktip, for their support, good advice, and suggestions. You are all crucial to this show's continuation, and all of your song suggestions are now written into our line-up. Thank you very, very much." That was the audience's cue to clap again. The mousemaid waited until the applause died down, and then went on. "A special thank-you goes to Awesomewriter123, who suggested the song for this episode. Way to go Kris!"

That was the signal for another round of applause, as the spotlight moved to Box Eleven. The squirrel who occupied that box stood up and bowed, creating a few cheers from the rest of the audience. Nonny had apologized to him before for not giving him Box Five, which was supposed to be the prize for entering a good suggestion; she simply couldn't risk his sanity, given the fact that Newo was planning to attack that box. Besides, Box Eleven was one of the best-kept secrets in the history of Redwall reality shows; it had just as good a view as Box Five, and Newo was none the wiser. Kris hadn't minded; he had submitted three other suggestions, so he would be able to compare the two boxes when he finally got the prize he deserved.

After a few minutes, the applause died down. Pinto cued a drum roll from Young Dinny, the drum mole. Andrew put on his headset and spoke in his stereotypical announcer's voice.

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for…"

Amid music from the orchestra, Nonny walked off the stage as, once again, the white projector screen rolled down. Everybeast quieted down as the screen flickered, and a video began to play.

***

Nonny stood in front of the camera, once again in her pink T-shirt and jeans ensemble. Her head was turned behind her, as she shouted at an otter who was messing around in the background.

"Anthony Otterlad, so help me, if you break anything…oh, we're rolling?" She smiled sheepishly. "You _are_ going to edit that out, right Andrew?"

"Oh yes, of course."

_-- Nonny sighed. Apparently she needed to have a little talk with Andrew concerning his paycheck. She believed the topic of "Edit the tapes nicely or no insurance…period" would be rather effective. –_

Foolishly reassured by Andrew's lie, the mousemaid nodded. "Okay. Today, we are having the rehearsal of 'Tomorrow,' from _Annie_. _Annie_ tells the story of a young red-headed orphan, who is trying to find her parents during the Great Depression (which, for all you book characters, was a really bad time for the country many of our fanfiction authors come from). 'Tomorrow' tells of Annie's determination not to get sad, even when she's having a supremely bad day. And, I think you'll like the beast I cast as Annie…"

The door to the back of the rehearsal room opened, and two squirrels entered. The squirrelwife was extremely pretty, with golden-red fur, a dazzling smile, and almond-shaped eyes. The husband was average-looking, and rather on the pudgy side, but he was cheerful and held his soulmate's paw with obvious affection.

Nonny walked over to shake their paws. "Hi Fwirl. Hi Broggle. I'm glad you could make it."

Fwirl and Broggle smiled. "Thanks," said Fwirl, "we're glad you invited us."

"Oh, come on!" cried a squeaky voice from behind the camera. "Can you get any more cliché with the greetings?"

Fwirl's brow furrowed slightly in confusion and a bit of hurt, and Broggle looked offended, but Nonny waved it off. "Never mind Pinto…she can be a real bear when she doesn't get her morning head of lettuce."

"Which is _exactly_ why you should give it to me!"

"Nice try, but you're on a diet. Live with it."

Nobeast in the audience could see Pinto pout, but Broggle could, and gave a low whistle. "Bummer," he said, commiserating with Pinto's pain.

"You got _that_ right, buddy."

Nonny shook her head fondly, and turned back to her guests. "So, Broggle, are you here to watch?"

"Of course."

"Okay, you can keep Pinto company. Fwirl, you can come with me to the keyboard to practice."

The gorgeous squirrelwife did as directed, but stopped short when she saw that two strange creatures were already standing by the keyboard. Nonny saw her apprehension, and patted her paw comfortingly.

"It's okay, they're friends. I couldn't find any 'pet' species in the _Redwall_ books that could be easily seen from the stage, so I invited Ben and Ned over from _Castaways of the Flying Dutchman_. Ned's going to play Sandy, because I hear that he's a really good singer."

The Labrador sat up proudly with a twinkle of humor in his brown eyes. The blonde human boy beside him chuckled, and translated for him. "He says, 'Well, at least you appreciate talent, kid.'"

***

What followed were a few clips of Fwirl's practice, accompanied by Ned's doggy music. The effect was rather pleasing, for, although Fwirl was not as accomplished a singer as her husband, she still had a sweet, child-like voice, and Ned timed his barks and howls rather well for a dog.

Then, there were a few videos of the choreography, but only a few; the song did not require much dancing, so it was only a matter of telling the actors when and where to stand, when to rise, and so on and so forth. Needless to say, poor Pinto was bored out of her mind. However, Nonny rewarded her with a whole carrot, which she munched on enthusiastically, being, after all, a guinea pig.

Then, Broggle and Ben spoke in front of the camera, while Fwirl got acquainted with her costar in the background.

"What'm I s'posed to be doing again?" the squirrel asked.

The picture shifted a little as Andrew sighed. "Just tell us whether you think the part is right for your wife…or in your case Ben, your dog."

The squirrel smiled. "Ah, well, _I_ like it. Fwirl's a lot like Annie. She lost her folks when she was little, but I've never really seen her moping about it. She's always trying to make everybeast around her a little more cheerful."

Broggle had wrapped his tail in his paws, and had the dreamy look on his face that he always got when he talked about Fwirl. In the background, Nonny could be seen grinning and clapping her paws softly together; Broggle and Fwirl made such a cute couple.

Ben smiled a bit, and, while the squirrel was otherwise occupied, he contributed his two scents. "Well, Ned has never been one to forego helping someone _– "Some_beast!_" yelled Dandin from the audience"_ – in need…and the show needed a dog. So, I think he's fine. He's not too crazy about the dye job that he'll have to have, but Nonny assures me it will be temporary." The mousemaid nodded her head at this.

The interview was interrupted as the young squirrelwife began to talk to Ned out loud, a sure sign that she had come to like him very much. "Yes, good dog," she cooed, as she stroked the Labrador's head. "You're a nice, handsome dog, aren't you Ned? Good dog." Ned smiled a big, canine smile, and flashed his human companion a pleased glance.

Catching on to the dog's signal to translate for him, the squirrelwife paused, and looked expectantly at the human. "Well, what did he say?"

Ben rolled his eyes, but, when Ned gave him a playful growl, he translated. "He says that you know quality when you see it, and that you're a really good ear scratcher. He also asks if you'll do his tummy too."

Fwirl looked at Ned, who stared back with the soulful stare that nearly four hundred years of living had perfected. Finally, the squirrelwife smiled. "Oh, why not?"

The dog grinned, and lay down on his back, while Fwirl rubbed his tummy with great fervor, once again cooing to him in baby talk. "Yes, you're a good dog. Yes you are, yes you are!"

Broggle looked over at Nonny, with a puzzled look on his face. "This is creepy. They're both beasts."

"Aw, c'mon, it's cute! And besides, have you ever met a newt which would let you rub its tummy?"

Broggle shrugged, and, with that, the video ended.

***

Half the audience was just getting done with their "Awwwww!" moment, and the other half was just recovering from being creeped out, when Nonny came back on the stage.

"And now, _Redwall on Broadway_ presents…'Tomorrow,' from _Annie_, starring Fwirl and Ned!"

Even the slightly creeped-out part of the audience applauded as the fieldmouse-maid left the stage.


	5. Tomorrow Performance

**Okay, here's "Tomorrow," from Annie, at long last. Since the song was sort of short compared to the last one, I tried to incorporate some of the dialogue as well. The dialogue comes from the 1999 movie; most of it is paraphrased from the little I can remember, so it's not going to be a perfect fit. However, I don't think that's important, really. I hope you enjoy...especially you, Awesomewriter123.**

* * *

As the curtain went up, everybeast hushed except the occupants of Box One, which just above the stage on the audience's right.

Silvamord flicked her fancy opera binoculars up to her eyes as soon as Ned came on stage. "Ooh!" she exclaimed softly. "The blonde hair extensions make him look like Orlando Bloom!"

Urgan Nagru gave his wife an odd look for that. "Darling, Orlando Bloom is human, and has brown hair."

The silver-grey vixen left off ogling the dog on stage to give her husband a scornful look. "He's blond in Lord of the Rings. And besides, I meant that he looks like what Orlando Bloom would look like if he were a dog." And, with that, she turned back, and began to moon over Ned like a lovesick teenager. "Ah, what fine brown eyes he has! And such a beautiful tail…"

Nagru felt just the slightest bit uncomfortable with this new development, and squinted at Ned without bothering to use his own opera glasses. "Hmmm…he looks somewhat homely to me."

"I don't recall asking for your opinion."

"He's not even a fox!"

"Who cares? Same species or not, a good view is a good view. Right girls?"

The Dirgecallers nodded obediently, earning an absent-minded pat on the head each from their mistress. Nagru began to wonder exactly when all the females in his life had turned against him.

Behind them, unnoticed in the shadows of the box, a skinny shadow watched them with interest. Silently, but gleefully, it rubbed its paws together in anticipation of the destruction that could be worked with this information.

***

Blissfully unaware (for now) of the drama Ned's new appearance was causing, the actors continued on with their work. Fwirl entered from stage right, Ned from stage left. The squirrelmaid, as Annie, was dressed in an ugly, shabby dress, and looked as if she was searching the audience for a familiar face, but not succeeding. Ned just looked like he was searching for food.

Sighing, Fwirl rubbed her stomach as if she was hungry. Scanning the ground, she espied a fake corn cob laying a few steps away from her, and went over to pick it up. However, Ned got there first, and took the corn cob just as she was about to touch it.

"Hey," exclaimed the squirrelmaid, her voice as small and thin as a child's, "that's mine!"

Ned growled protectively, and backed away from her. Fwirl sighed again, and went over to sit next to some garbage cans that were in the background.

"Never mind, you can have it. I wasn't all that hungry anyway." That was probably a lie, but, then again, the poor maid looked like she had something bigger on her mind than food.

Ned stared at her for a moment, his ears lifted inquisitively. Then, noticing how sad Fwirl looked, the Labrador relaxed. He trotted over to where she sat, dropped the corn in her lap, and apologetically laid his head on her bushy tail.

Fwirl smiled. "Oh, thank you," she said, picking up the corn without the slightest expression of disgust at the dog slobber that now covered it. Thankfully, she didn't try to eat it, but set it aside and turned her attention to the dog.

"You're a good dog, aren't you?"

Ned raised soulful brown eyes to meet hers, and gallantly allowed her to stroke her head.

The squirrelmaid took the moment to inspect the dog's face. "Hey," she murmured, "you look kinda sad. Are they chasing you because you're looking for your mom and dad too?"

The Labrador whined sadly in response.

"That's okay. It's all going to be okay. You'll see." And, as she continued to pet Ned's head comfortingly, Fwirl gently began to sing. Her voice was a melodic murmur, as if she were singing a lullaby.

_The sun'll come out,  
__Tomorrow.  
__Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow,  
__There'll be sun._

_Just thinkin' about,  
__Tomorrow,  
__Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow,  
_'_Til there's none._

Then, for a moment, Fwirl seemed to lose herself to a lovely daydream, looking out into the audience as she stared thoughtfully into space. Her voice grew from a murmur into proper singing, as her heart began to surge with hope.

_When I'm stuck with a day, that's grey, and lonely,  
__I just stick out my chin, and grin, and say,  
__Ooooooooh…_

Ned shifted on her tail, bringing the squirrelmaid back to reality. She smiled gently down at him again, but her voice did not return to its lullaby mode. She looked the dog in the eye, earnestly reassuring him that everything would be all right.

_The sun'll come out,  
__Tomorrow.  
__So ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow,  
__Come what may._

_Tomorrow!  
__Tomorrow!  
__I love ya, tomorrow!  
__You're only a day away…_

As she sang this last, lingering line, Fwirl got to her footpaws, and Ned, perforce, got up with her. The unlikely pair began to walk forward on the stage, closer to the audience, the dog following the squirrelmaid with becoming loyalty.

Then, Ballaw from the Rambling Rosehip Players rushed out, clad in a police officer's uniform. Fwirl and Ned instinctively bolted.

"Hey! You there! Stop!"

Fwirl obeyed. "Me, sir?" she asked, pointing to herself.

"No, you with the fur." Since _everybeast_ on stage had fur, Ballaw pointed to Ned, who had been trying to sneak away unnoticed. "Stop!"

Comically, Ned obeyed.

Ballaw smirked triumphantly. "That's it. This stray has been giving the dog catcher the slip for weeks. Now I can get him to the pound, where he belongs."

Fwirl looked back at Ned, realizing just what might happen to him at the pound. "Oh," she said, thinking quickly, "you don't have to do that. He's my dog."

The hare looked incredulous. "That's your dog? Then why have I seen him around, but not you?"

"Uh…I don't get out much," the maid replied, with a small gleam of wry honesty in her eyes.

"Okay," continued Ballaw, who was still not buying it, "what's his name?"

"Um…" Fwirl looked back at the dog for inspiration. "Sandy. Yes, that's right, Sandy, because he has nice sandy fur."

"Sandy?" Ballaw repeated to confirm the name. At the maiden's nod, he crossed his arms, still not believing her. "All right then, call him."

"Call him?"

"Yeah, by his name. 'Sandy.'"

He was calling Fwirl's bluff. The squirrelmaid knew that the dog would not answer to that name, since she had not yet trained him to do so. When he did not come, the policehare would take him away, since he knew "Sandy" was not her dog.

The squirrelmaid stammered, trying to think up a way the dog could not answer and still be her dog. "Well…ya see…sometimes, Sandy forgets his name is Sandy, and…"

"Just call the dog, kid," Ballaw interrupted impatiently.

Fwirl gulped, and turned toward Ned. Getting down on one knee, she patted her leg with one paw, calling feebly out to the dog. "Here Sandy."

The dog remained sitting on his haunches, panting calmly. Fwirl sighed, but tried again, this time a little louder.

"Come here, Sandy."

The dog cocked his head in confusion, but did not move. Ballaw gave a mirthless chuckle, sure that he had the dog at last. But "Annie's" determination was enflamed, and she gave one last effort to keep this dog from going to his doom.

"C'mon, boy!" she yelped, slapping her thigh enthusiastically.

Finally, Ned moved, trotting up to her and licking her face affectionately. Fwirl smiled and scratched the dog's ears, cooing, "That's it, good Sandy."

Ballaw huffed, but remained a good sport. "Okay, he's your dog. But the next time I see him, he'd better have a leash and license."

Fwirl grinned brightly. "Yes sir!"

The hare exited the stage, and Ned was safe. Fwirl came up to center stage, her voice echoing out triumphantly as the dog followed her, wagging his tail merrily.

_When I'm stuck with a day, that's grey, and lonely,  
__I just stick out my chin, and grin, and saaaaaay,  
__Oooooooooh!_

The lights dimmed on the stage, leaving just one bright spotlight on Fwirl as she sang her final refrain.

_The sun'll come out,  
__Tomorrow!  
__So ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow,  
__Come what maaaaaay!_

_Tomorrow!  
__Tomorrow!  
__I love ya, tomorrow!  
__You're always, a daaaaaaaaaay!  
__Awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!_

***

The audience cheered and clapped at the loud last note Fwirl had sung, and flowers began to fly through the air as a gift to her and Ned. The gorgeous young squirrelwife blushed, and, with her tail set firmly over her eyes, she did an elegant curtsey. Ned sat regally beside her, accepting his applause with all the pride of a monarch on his throne.

The spotlight was moved to Box Eleven to acknowledge Kris once more. The brown squirrel was already standing, clapping his paws together and yelling "Bravo" multiple times. He made a special point of throwing a rose right next to Fwirl's footpaws.

Broggle, who had been waiting backstage the entire time, ran out and embraced his wife, kissing her on the nose and giving her a huge bouquet of several of her favorite flowers. The cheers – especially from the female members of the audience – increased in volume as he did so.

In the hubbub, nobeast noticed when a particularly heavy rose flew onto stage from stage right. Ned noticed, however, since it hit him on the side of the head. Sniffing curiously at it, he saw that it had a small note tied around its stem, but he could not open it, since he was a normal dog and had no opposable thumbs…but, of course, he could always charm somebeast else into opening it for him.

Like Nonny, perhaps. She had just entered, and raised her paws for silence. "Now before you leave…"

Ned whined, nosing the mousemaid's elbow. When he got her attention, he dropped the rose at her footpaws. "Oh," she said, her heart melting, "such a sweet dog…wait, there's a note on it."

When the note was opened, this is how it read. Unfortunately, Nonny made the mistake of reading it out loud, naively thinking that it couldn't be _that_ bad if it came from a fan.

_Ned darling,_

_You looked so handsome tonight. I simply _must_ see you. Your doghouse or mine, hot stuff?_

_Silvamord_

It _was_ that bad. All eyes went to Box One…which was conveniently lit up with the spotlight, courtesy of Andrew. Silvamord looked indignant, but her husband was fuming.

"A good view is a good view?" he asked, a dangerous smile on his face.

"But…but…I didn't…"

"Thaaaat's IT!" growled the fox-wolf. "Nobeast steals my wife and lives! Dirgecallers! KILL!"

The two ermine obediently lept from their box onto the stage (since, of course, Box One was the box closest to the stage and it wasn't that much of a jump). Their master followed them, his iron wolf claws bared menacingly in a way that spoke of one too many hours spent watching X-Men. Wisely, Ned took one look at them and fled backstage, where the moles would be able to protect him. The hunters followed hungrily, Nagru howling his anger to all who could hear.

A few moments of dreadful silence settled over the auditorium…and then, sniffles were heard from Box One. "Oh, Urgan," cried Silvamord, "you _do_ care!" The vixen promptly jumped from the box and ran after her husband. "I'm coming, _mon_ _amor_!" she squealed, rather more girlishly than most expected from her.

The rest of the audience stared as Silvamord also disappeared backstage. In the silence, a hollow, goofy voice rang out from the ceiling. "See, I told you! Total not-good-ness! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA*gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, and by the way, my salary is due next Monday."

Nonny blinked, and clutching her staff until her knuckles turned white, smiled amiably at the audience. "Well, apparently we have to end this quickly. Next week, we explore the world of the Phantom of the Opera. Haveanicedaythankyoubye!"

Then the mousemaid abruptly (but predictably) ran backstage, from which screeches and crashes were now emanating in profusion. A few of the warriors and quite a few of the villains strapped on their weapons and went backstage as well. The rest of this scene might have proved interesting…but, unfortunately, Tony the camera otter flicked off his camera to go fight, so nothing more was recorded on tape.

* * *

**Just to clarify...I do *not* have a crush on Orlando Bloom. I just thought it would be funny for Silvamord to have such a cliche celebrity crush. Do not ask me where she and her husband obtained such accurate knowledge of human films and languages, because I would rather not know.**

**"Mon amor" means "my love" in French. Yippee for automatic translation websites.**


	6. Interlude the First

**I know, I know, I haven't updated in forever. And that this next chapter is going to be mostly filler material. But, bear with me, the next one will come up soon. _I'm not dead yet,_ by gum. EDIT: Noticed that I messed up the first couple of sentences, and the big no Martin II shouted wasn't showing. Sorry if this appears as newly updated for only those two little mistakes.**

* * *

Just outside the studio door of _Redwall on Broadway_, there stood a first-time visitor to the fanfiction universe. The newcomer, a slender, pretty feral cat with dark brown tabby markings and vivid green eyes, glanced at the card-sized piece of paper she held in her paw, and then back at the door. If the directions she had obtained were correct, this was the place. She extended her paw to rap politely on the door.

However, the door seemed to anticipate her movement, and flung open seemingly of its own accord. The catmaid only barely missed getting a mouthful of wood by leaping into a backward somersault, landing effortlessly on all fours.

Before she could recover from the shock of discovering this newfound agility – _Did I really just do that?_ – four beings piled out of the door. The two in front – a blond boy in his early teens and a young black Labrador – were normal looking, at least according to the catmaid, who was still accustomed to human sensibilities of "normal." The other two looked a bit more surreal – after all, a dog fox dressed in a wolf fur and a skull and a vixen dressed in a skirt of tails aren't exactly the type of thing one sees every day. These creatures took no notice of her, but turned to face each other in a stand-off.

"Get out of the way, boy! He's getting what he deserves for flirting with my wife!" the dog fox snarled, advancing toward his victims.

"Like I said," the boy answered, keeping the growling Labrador behind him, "Ned did not flirt with your wife. _She_ wrote the note, not him."

_Oh, so _that's_ who they are,_ thought the cat, suddenly thankful that she had at least read the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman series. It had been a pain in the butt asking for directions here; this whole world was a sea of names which everybody wrongly assumed she knew better than her own phone number. It was good to see someone – _no, some_beast…_we mustn't repeat that incident with the crazy little mouse popping up out of nowhere _– whom she actually recognized.

"For the last time, I didn't write that!" the vixen was yelling. "I simply said he looked sexy in those fur extensions!"

At that, the dog fox blinked, and turned to his wife. "Silvamord, darling, can you _please_ refrain from saying such idiotic things while I'm trying to work?"

"Silvamord" snorted. "Idiotic! _You're_ the idiot of this marriage!"

"This is coming from the vixen who once threatened to leave me for Groddil?"

"He's a whole heck of a lot smarter than you! He could probably competently rule an empire without violating Wolverine's copyright!"

"Silence!" The dog fox pressed his claws (which, in the catmaid's mind, _did_ look a lot like Wolverine's claws) against the vixen's neck. "That's it! I'm _through_ with you! Any last words, _sweetie?_"

"Just one. BABIES!"

Right on cue, two snarling, slobbering white balls of fur came barreling out of the studio door, leaping onto the dog fox's head. The vixen stepped back to watch the fun, smiling flirtatiously at the Labrador.

"It's okay, honey. Run along with your little hairless friend. He can't get to you now."

The boy and the Labrador needed no second bidding. They ran away as fast as they could, a flash of green light from around the corner indicating their entrance into their own universe.

"Yowch! Ack! TRAITOR! Ooch!"

"That's it, Darla, chew on his ears! Bite his tail, Snarla!"

"GAH! YOU _NAMED_ MY DIRGECALLERS?"

"_Your_ Dirgecallers? Excuse me, but who is it that feeds them? Who is it that ensures they have a nice, tepid place to sleep? _Who_ is it that kept them from killing each other when they both developed a crush on that fellow in Gulo's hoard, what's-his-face…?"

"_**GRIK?!?**_"

"Yes, that's him. Anyway, _I've_ taken care of them all their lives, so I have a right to name them whatever I please."

Both of the ermine seemed to agree with her, and dug their teeth in harder. The dog fox yowled, and kicked one ermine off of his leg. She sailed through the air and landed on the vixen…and instinctively bit her, evidently thinking she was still fighting the dog-fox. Soon, the path outside the studio was nothing more than a dust-ridden brawl.

At that moment, the studio door opened again. In the threshold, there stood a guinea pig with dark brown fur and white markings, who looked as if the only thing keeping her on her footpaws was a serious caffeine rush.

"Oh, thank the seasons…they've moved outside," the guinea pig sighed. Then she noticed the catmaid, and smiled welcomingly. "Hi! We've been expecting you. Why don't you leave those two to their little…marital dispute…and come in?"

The catmaid obeyed, but she did so while staring at the guinea pig in unabashed awe. "Pinto? But you're…you're…"

"Dead?" Pinto said point-blank, shutting the door behind them and locking it firmly. "Yes, I am. And so is practically everybeast else in this place. It's a dimension closely connected with the multiple afterlives of the fiction universes...it's complicated."

"Yeah," the catmaid replied, suppressing a shudder. "I noticed."

"Pinto?" An otter padded up to the guinea pig, panting. "Where are they?"

"Nagru and Silvamord? They're just outside. And they are going to stay there, so there will be no opening that door to let them back in." The no-nonsense tone in Pinto's voice was not to be argued with.

The otter's shoulders sagged. "But they killed my Marsha!"

"Andrew, we will get you another computer, and you can give that one an equally sappy name as the last one."

"Nothing can replace Marsha!"

Pinto seemed to consider arguing the point further, but evidently decided against it, since she changed the subject suavely. "Andrew, have you met Nonny's sister…?"

"Wolffang," the catmaid supplied, catching Pinto's cue.

"Wolffang?" The guinea pig wrinkled her nose in disgust. "You call yourself _Wolffang_?"

The catmaid furrowed her eyebrows, affronted. "Yes. What's the problem with that?"

"It makes you sound like you're Mozart's were-wolf great-great-granddaughter."

"It's a _Warriors_ name, progressing from Wolfkit to Wolfpaw to Wolffang. Perfectly respectable."

"Why would _Warriors_ cats name their children after wolves?"

"They named one after a spider."

"True." Pinto smiled pleasantly, as if the previous exchange had never happened. "Andrew, meet Nonny's sister, Wolffang."

"You can call me Fang for short," the catmaid said, grinning.

"Nice t'meet you, Fang," Andrew muttered, shaking her paw absently. He hadn't heard a word up until Fang introduced herself, being preoccupied with "Marsha's" "death" and all. "Nonny's up in her office, and…GONFF DON'T TOUCH THAT!" He raced off, entering the green room.

Pinto sighed and went after him, with Fang close behind her. The catmaid tried not to stare at the mess that used to be the green room, but it was kind of hard not to. Equipment, sheet music, and office supplies were strewn in every which way, and there were dents in the walls where objects of considerable weight had hit them. Some moles were working busily to right the disorder, although, even with their steady pace, it looked like it would take some time for them to finish the task. Andrew was fussily shooing a plump mouse away from what appeared to be a computer keyboard. He then picked the keyboard off the floor, hugging it to his chest and bawling shamelessly.

Behind his back, the mouse proceeded to nab a stapler, just to spite him.

However interesting this scene was proving to be, there was no time to linger in this room. Pinto proceeded quickly into a hallway, and Fang had to follow her if she didn't want to get lost.

It was dark here, almost like it would be if the power went out, but some light drifted in from an open door near the hallway's end. For a few moments, this space was empty and relatively silent compared to the green room. Then, a voice that the catmaid recognized as belonging to her sister emanated from the room beyond the open door.

"Hey, Martin Two? Can you…?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" A tall, well-muscled mouse dashed down the hall, running as if he was being chased by a cat from _The Exorcist_. Just before he ran into them, he stopped and opened a door right in front of them. Fang just barely had time to note that the door led into the broom closet before the mouse pounced inside and slammed the door shut behind him.

Another mouse came up, one who had a similar appearance to the one within the broom closet. "Oh, for pity's sake!" this one yelled, pounding on the door. "She was only going to ask you to help us move the desk!"

"I don't care!" said the muffled voice from the closet. "You, of all beasts, should know that one can never tell with fangirls!"

"She wasn't going to ogle you!"

"I sincerely doubt that!"

"Honestly, how could she ogle you if she was lifting a desk? I should think her mind would be on other things."

"You should think about what Rose would think if Nonny freely admitted to having a crush on you!"

"She would think 'thank the seasons, finally, a fangirl who keeps her paws off of my male.' Honestly, Junior, you're pretty lucky, all things considered. You don't even have a lady friend to worry about."

"I'm still not coming out. And don't call me Junior!"

"Oh, for the love of…"

Pinto chose this time to interject. "Hey, Martin, how's it going?"

Both mice growled "Fine" simultaneously.

"Ooo-kay. Um, where are the others?"

"Tony, Tam, and Doogy were up in the lighting booth. Said something about a controlled power outage, whatever that is," the mouse outside the closet said. "Mariel, Dandin, and Deyna went with Arula's troop to see if they could help clobber that stupid little weasel. Apparently, Silvamord was telling the truth…_she_ didn't write the note, Newo did, just to cause trouble."

The guinea pig nodded. "So, what are _you_ doing here? Shouldn't you be helping with the clobbering, too?"

A wicked grin came onto the mouse's face. "Why clobber, when I can make the scrawny little invertebrate wet himself in his dreams tonight? And that goes for you, too, _Junior_, if you don't come out of there and face your fangirl like a male!"

"Oh, right! Like I haven't had one of _those_ nightmares before! It's still _my_ dream, I can make you dress in a tutu and sing 'Frere Jacques' in falsetto if I want to!"

"YA WANNA BET ON THAT, SQUIRT?"

Pinto prudently decided to continue on at this point. The catmaid followed her, her eyelid twitching from acute weirdness overload.

The two females entered the room at the end of the hallway, which turned out to be an office of sorts. Or, at least, it used to be an office; now it just looked like the aftermath of a hurricane. A desk and a filing cabinet lay on their sides, and many slips of paper and various pictures and decorations were scattered on the floor. In the midst of the chaos stood a mousemaid who looked like she was in severe need of a nap.

"Nonny?"

The mousemaid looked up, and her blue eyes brightened. "Fang!" she said, stepping gingerly over the papers to hug the catmaid. "It's good to see you!"

"Yeah, thank you. Would you mind telling me what is going on?"

Nonny sighed. "I'm sure you saw Nagru and Silvamord on your way in. They got into a fight after the last episode, and tore apart this room as well as most of the studio."

"Those two have taken the fight outside, by the way," Pinto said.

"Thank heaven," the fieldmouse said anachronistically, forgetting she was supposed to call it "Dark Forest" here. Bending down, she picked up a piece of paper from the floor, which might have been sheet music once but for the dirt stains. "Now we can tend to more important matters."

"Like finding Newo," the guinea pig added. "I'm going to check on the moles now, Nonny. Keep an eye out."

"Thanks." As soon as Pinto left the room, Nonny raised pleading eyes to her sister. "Can you help me find the music book for _Phantom_? I need to find it before Slagar and Tess get here…they're supposed to rehearse at three."

The cat nodded, suddenly remembering her purpose for being here despite the fact that she had no idea who Slagar was and only a vague idea of who Tess was. "Of course." _The Phantom of the Opera_ had to go on, no matter what.

* * *

Twenty minutes of sifting through papers and no sign of a music book later, Fang restarted the conversation. "So, who is Newo?"

Nonny sighed. "You know those stories we told each other as children, with all the silly characters?"

"We _still_ tell each other those stories, Nonny."

"Well, then…spell Newo backwards."

After a moment, Fang's eyes widened. "Owen? You let _Owen_ within twenty miles of this place? Are you insane?"

The mousemaid rolled her eyes. "No, I just can't get rid of him. And the worst part is that I don't even know where the little freak is…"

"Good morning, dudettes!"

The weasel in question materialized in the doorway, a huge grin on his face. For once, he was dressed normally in a tunic, but that did not make him look any less scary. Especially since, on each of his arms, there hung a stunningly beautiful mousemaid. These mousemaids started looking around them, as if they were searching for somebeast very important to them.

The maid on Newo's right, a gorgeous thing with glossy golden fur and sparkling sapphire eyes who was adorned in pink, scowled immediately upon sight of Nonny. "You, like, totally stole my look!"

Nonny did not answer, as she was fuming too hard to speak. However, Fang indignantly noted that her sister's tasteful pink Aran sweater and blue jeans nowhere near resembled the other mousemaid's very, very tight, very, very short pink dress.

The maid on Newo's left, a gorgeous thing with glossy chocolate fur and sparkling emerald eyes who was adorned in a green dress that looked exactly like the blonde mousemaid's dress, whined. "Newoooo! You told me I would get to see Martin!"

"No, he told _me_ _I _would get to see Martin!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"_Me!_"

"_Me!_"

"ME!"

"ME!"

The weasel grinned in a way that was meant to be charming, but came off as just…weird, as usual. "I told you the truth, ladies. See, look, there he is!"

He pointed down the hallway, where the lone mouse was still trying to get his companion out of the broom closet. The maids looked, temporarily forgot their spat, and charged.

"See, _this_ is why you didn't get a love interest in the books," the mouse was saying. "One look from a maiden, and you scream like a –"

"MAAAAARTIIIIIIN!"

"ACK! LEMME IN, LEMME IN!"

The mouse jumped into the closet, pulling the door shut seconds before the maids reached him. The doorknob clicked as the closet's occupants locked themselves inside. The maidens pounded on the door, squealing for "Martin" and proclaiming their undying love for him.

"YOU WERE SAYING?"

"Oh, shut up."

Nonny glared at Newo so hard that any normal beast would have been incinerated on the spot. "You…brought…MAREAH AND POLLY…to MY studio?!?"

The weasel grinned. "Yup."

Fang sighed. Now she was even _more_ lost.

* * *

**Yup, I've included my sister in this insanity. She'll be a guest star, though...as you can probably see, she is more acquainted with Warriors than with Redwall. My fault, probably...*cue insane laughter***

**And the Sues...yeah. I blame the plot bunnies, myself. That's why they came with Newo.**


	7. Phantom of the Opera Rehearsal

When the audience began to arrive later that evening, the patrons who had reserved seating in the boxes were surprised to see a bellhop in a little red tunic and cap awaiting their orders. He had not been there in the first two episodes of the show, but not many beasts had cared, since they were perfectly capable of finding their own seats.

Well, the woodlander guests and the middle- and lower-class vermin hadn't cared. Beasts such as one Ublaz Madeyes, though…

"Finally," the well-groomed pine marten sniffed. "A mark of sophistication in this dump. Here," he ordered the bellhop, dumping his disturbingly expensive mink coat into the beast's paws. "Hang this up, and direct me to Box Seven."

"Yessireebob," replied the weasel. "Down the hall to your right, just follow the numbers on the door."

"Very good." The Emperor stalked off in the direction indicated, his broad shoulders erect and his handsome head held high.

A few moments later, another marten followed him, quickly entering the box next to his. Atunra was quite determined that Queen Vilaya would not have the last word in their little spat over Ublaz…even though so far, he hadn't shown any real interest in either of them. Or in anybeast else, save perhaps his own reflection…

Thirty minutes later, when nearly all the audience had arrived and the show was just about to start, two beasts ran up the steps to the box. One, a brown-furred ferret with rectangular spectacles, held out his ticket to the bellhop.

"Excuse me? Can you direct me to Box Eleven, please?"

The weasel smiled in a friendly sort of way. "Ah, you're the guest of honor, right? Kil…er, Kal…Kvetch…I'm sorry, I've never been any good with names. Can you spell it for me?"

The ferret nodded kindly, thinking that this guy was probably new, and had seen his name, but never heard it. As they walked toward the box, he began to spell, while his companion, a fox with glasses similar to his own, watched with a bit of anxiety.

"K, E, L…"

"K-Y-L…Kyle! That's cool!"

"No, Kel, _Kel,_ K-E-L…"

"Oh, Kel-Kel! Like a little doggie name!"

The fox's eyes widened, since he knew the effect that _that_ name had on his friend. However, aside from a very violent twitch in his neck and face, the ferret contained his temper marvelously.

"No," he said through clenched teeth, "Kel, just _one_ Kel, then A-I-A-H"

"Aiah Kel-Kel, okay…"

"ONE Kel, then _ai_-uh."

The weasel nodded, comprehension dawning. "Oh…okay. So, let me check this…it's Kyle-a-Kel-Kel-_ai_-uh, right?"

"_**WHAT?"**_ All semblances of self-control were immediately thrown out the window…_that_ was just too much. The ferret's tail fluffed up in anger, and his paws reached toward the weasel's neck as if he wanted to strangle him.

"Okay, that's enough," the fox said, speaking for the first time. "C'mon, Kelly, I think I see Box Eleven over here…"

"_**DON'T! CALL ME! KELLYYYYYYY!"**_

"Did I say Kelly? Sorry, I meant to say Kel, but the 'ly' just slipped out."

"…_**YOU SAID IT **_**AGAIN**_**!"**_

"That's right, I did. Sorry. _You're_ Kel, and _I'm_ Kelly. Now, come along…"

"_**NO, WAI…"**_

The ferret looked back, intending to go after the weasel, but the bellhop had inexplicably disappeared. Before he could react to this new development, the fox shoved him into the box. "Now, we're here to have fun," he admonished, forcing the ferret to sit down, "so we're going to forget this little incident and enjoy the show. All right?"

Ferret-Kel took a deep breath, as the lights began to dim. "All right. It could be worse, after all. I mean, at least Kalyn isn't…"

He trailed off, looking down into the general audience, where, just before the lights went out, he had caught the faintest glimmer of a grey-colored squirrel brush. His mind flashed back to an image of the bellhop, who had almost, but not quite, concealed a tuft of greasy black head-fur under his cap. As his mind made a sudden connection, he swallowed, hard.

"Brace yourself, Fox-Kel. It's about to get worse."

Nonny walked out on stage in a light blue dress that was simpler in make than anything else she'd worn on the show. She smiled and waved a paw, then spoke as the applause began to die down.

"Terribly sorry for the delay, folks."

There were murmurs of forgiveness…and murmurs that indicated her apology was not accepted. The bespectacled mousemaid winced a little bit, but continued.

"Tonight we are staging "The Phantom of the Opera," a song from the musical of the same name. This song was suggested by Kelaiah."

"All hail the king!" yelled a male voice from…somewhere, nobeast could precisely tell, although it sounded suspiciously similar to Cole's voice. Laughter broke out, along with applause, as Andrew swung the spotlight over to Box Eleven. The ferret in the box stood up and waved, although his customary "Yeah, I'm awesome" smile was replaced with a tight "There's about to be trouble, I just know it" grimace-type-smile. The fox next to him made up for his enthusiasm by waving with both paws and throwing kisses in the general direction of the Marlfox sisters.

A minute later, the hall was quiet again, and Nonny grinned. "I suppose you're all wondering just why this episode took so long."

She backed off and covered her ears as the creatures assembled replied with a resounding "YEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!"

"Heh, well then, far be it from me to be keeping you any longer. Roll film, Tony!"

The picture on the screen flickered for a bit, before coming fully to life. Immediately, the audience saw Pinto on the screen talking to a phone that was set on speaker, looking considerably more frustrated than she usually looked. Nonny's voice spoke in the background, providing the narration.

_Apparently, Newo's plot to fulfill the curse of the Phantom of the Studio was much more complicated than we thought. As we dealt with Urgan Nagru and Silvamord - a situation based on a misunderstanding that Newo set up - he was free to mess with the general casting of this episode without us stopping him._

Pinto's voice became audible as Nonny stopped speaking. "What do you mean, you can't come?"

Laterose of Noonvale's voice emanated from the speakerphone. "Just what I said, Pinto. There's been a bit of an incident. This crazy mousemaid came up to my house, claiming that she was me and demanding to see Martin."

"Let me guess," said the guinea pig, rubbing at the bridge of her nose, "a Sue."

"Yeah. Don't worry, though, I've got it under control…"

"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO, IMPOSTER?" screamed another voice from the phone. "IS THAT MARTIN? MARTIN! MARTIN, MY ONE, MY ONLY, MY BELUVVY-WUVVY! I'VE COME TO RESCUE YOU FROM THIS WIMPY MEANIE WHO DARES TO REPLACE ME!"

"WIMPY? **WHO'RE YOU CALLING WIMPY?** EAT SLING, DITCHRAT!"

There was an audible _WHUMP_ that came over the line, followed by a brief scuffle, and then the real Rose was speaking again, her lovely voice calm, as if nothing had happened. "I would come anyway, Pinto, but with all the yelling I've been doing, I'm afraid my voice will give out. Please accept my apology."

"No problem."

_With our first choice for the part of Christine effectively taken out, we tried for another beast with just as good a voice. But, when we called her…_

Pinto was sitting now, leaning her head wearily against her paw and nursing a cup of black coffee. In an open doorway in the background, flying pieces of furniture and white furry blurs could occasionally be seen, indicating that the Nagru/Silvamord fight was still going strong.

Songbreeze Swifteye was speaking this time. "Oh, you know I'd love to help, Pinto, but…"

"DO YOU KNOW MY DADDY? I HAVE TO TELL HIM ABOUT MY EXISTENCE BEFORE HE GOES SUICIDAL OVER MY MUMMY'S DEATH! IS THAT MY DADDY?"

The squirrelmaid sighed into her earphone, resulting in a static-like sound from Pinto's end of the line. "I'm stuck babysitting this mousemaid who seems to have lost her father. She says his name is Martin, but I'm not sure which Martin she's talking about..."

"What's her name?"

"Eh…Lilyrose, or something like that."

"Kill her. Kill her dead."

"What?"

"She's a Sue. KILL. HER."

"…Okay."

"WHAT? GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU…"

The line went dead.

_And that's the last we heard from Abbess Song. Of course, we know she's quite able to take out a Sue by herself, but she hadn't been answering our calls, and Dann eventually told us that Lilyrose had taken her on an extended chase. But that left us with only one choice…and _she_ arrived just as we were in the middle of yet _another_ "visit."_

The camera cut to a picture of the studio door, just as somebeast knocked on it. A pretty catmaid that nobeast had seen before raced to answer the door, admitting two mice and a fox with a diamond-patterned mask on his face. One mouse, who was none other than Mattimeo, looked suspiciously up at the cat.

"Who are you supposed to be?"

The catmaid smiled. "I'm Fang, Nonny's sister. I'm going to be helping you today, since Nonny is…"

A few very loud crashes came from somewhere deep within the studio, followed by several loud female voices yelling at each other.

"…busy."

The two mice blinked, staring in the direction of the ruckus. Slagar, however, shrugged. "I'm fine with that," he said in his raspy voice. "What I want to know is why Nagru and his vixen are playing tonsil hockey on the front lawn."

Fang looked outside over the fox's shoulder and pulled a disgusted face. "I guess they've made up. HEY, GET A ROOM!"

"THAT'S A bleeping GOOD IDEA!"

"OH, URGAN, YOU'RE _SOOOOOO_ ROMANTIC!"

"Ugh, _too_ much information," Mattimeo said, shuddering. Tess nodded, making a convoluted expression that involved a stuck-out tongue and flattened ears.

"So, eh, I guess _you_ have to be playing the Phantom," Fang said, pointing to Slagar, "so that makes you…"

"Christine," Tess replied. "Although I don't know why. I really can't sing very well."

"Great," Fang said. "That makes two of you. HEY NONNY, NEITHER OF THESE TWO CAN SING!"

"WHAT?"

"_THE GIRL DOESN'T SING VERY WELL, AND THE GUY SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS THROAT CANCER OR SOMETHING!"_

"Gee, thanks…" Slagar muttered. Mattimeo, who had his arm wrapped protectively around his wife, smirked, prompting the fox to growl threateningly.

"HOLD ON, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!"

There were a few more crashes, and then Nonny tore into the room, her staff in paw. She stopped short right in front of Slagar and pointed the end of her staff at his throat. "Linye ve Josh Groban!"

She then pointed the staff at Tess's throat and said, "Linye ve Charlotte Church!"

Before anybeast could ask her what she had said, a cry came from the hallway. "OMG! THERE ARE, LIKE, TWO MARTINS!"

"YAY!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Nonny groaned, and then ran back into the fight. The assembled creatures stared after her for a moment, completely mystified.

"Well, then," Fang stuttered. "We'd better get started, then."

After a few shots showing a bit of the practice…once again, no real choreography was needed, since all Slagar and Tess would be doing was walking around and sailing in a fake boat…it was time for the cast commentary.

Slagar went first, grinning in a way that made everybeast jittery. He had taken off his diamond-patterned mask, replacing it with the white half-mask of the Phantom. "I have to say whoever cast me in this part knew what they were doing. Nobeast can do tall, dark, and sexy like Slagar…and this mask is great! I'm keeping it!"

Tess winced nervously. "Well, I know I wasn't the first choice, but I do kinda recognize this story. Bad guy creeps up on a girl, sends her to sleep, drags her down into a dark pit of doom. Does this sound familiar to you?"

"_Too_ familiar," Mattimeo growled, sticking his face uncomfortably close to Slagar's…since he was grown up now, and could actually look the fox in the eye without standing on tippaw. "I'm going to be in Box One, fox. One move to hurt my wife and you get the Sword of Martin right through your sneaky gullet. Got it?"

Slagar looked disdainfully down his nose at the mouse. "Oh, I'm so scared," he said in a whiny, sing-song voice.

Matti's eyelid flinched, and he looked as if he was about to pounce on the fox…but for the fact that his son came running into the room.

"Get away from me, you loony!" cried Martin II.

The mousemaid on his heels, who was dressed in a very tight, very short green dress, paid him no heed. "I love you Martin! I don't care if you aren't the original, you're just as awesome!"

"I said get away!"

Unbeknownst to the Sue, Nonny had snuck into the room just behind her. The fieldmouse-maid put a paw to her lips, indicating that Martin should not let Mareah know she was there. Like a good warrior, Martin obeyed without a sound.

"I love you, Martin the Warrior Junior! Look at my big, bright green orbs and tell me you cannot see that!"

Martin blinked, and did as she said. Or, at least, he _tried_ to do as she said. Somehow, his gaze went a bit _lower_ than Mareah wanted it to.

"Eh, you're going to have to be a bit more specific, miss."

Mattimeo and Tess gaped, shocked at what their son was implying. Slagar, ever the compassionate one, snickered. "Ooh, _burn_."

Mareah frowned, and then her eyes widened in horror. Swiftly she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the younger Martin. **"HOW **_**DARE**_** YOU!"**

Martin cringed. "I'm sorry, but you said 'big, bright green orbs.' Your dress matches your eyes, so naturally I went for the larger target…"

"**I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GENTLEMOUSE!"**

"He is!"

Nonny's staff struck the inside of Mareah's knees, bringing the Sue to her knees. A kick to the head sent her sprawling face-first into the floor, and before she could get up, the pink-clad mousemaid was standing on her back, preventing her from getting up.

"You just chose your words poorly! If you had just said 'eyes' like a normal beast, he wouldn't have made that mistake." And, with that, Nonny brought her staff down to sharply connect with Mareah's head. The Sue went limp, and Martin took a breath of relief.

"You all right?" Nonny asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Oh…hi, Mom."

Tess was glaring banefully at Matti. "_This_ is what comes of letting Basil and Cheek babysit him."

Mattimeo shrugged. "You have to admit he had a point."

"That _doesn't_ make it okay…"

"Is that thing still running?" Nonny demanded. There was a gasp from behind the camera, and the screen went black.

Nonny ended with a cynical smile. "So, now that _that_ unpleasantness is finally over…let's see how the fruit of our labors turned out, shall we? Ladies and gentlebeasts, I present to you, the Phantom of the Opera, starring Slagar the Cruel and Tess Churchmouse!"

The audience clapped as the mousemaid exited the stage (clamping a weary paw over her forehead as she did so) and the curtain pulled back...

* * *

**Man, how long has it been for this one? More than two years? Yeesh. My apologies.**


End file.
